weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
