I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
