I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
