WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
