So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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