This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
