I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
