I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
