I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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