mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
