I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
