We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
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The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
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I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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