he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
