I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
