Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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