two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
