I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
