Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
