what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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