Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
