I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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