you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
