I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
