What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
