I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i think my cat just said my name.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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