there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
sarcasm needs its own font
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
