what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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