Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
