Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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