I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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