There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You've changed since you got that strap on
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