somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
