The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
