I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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