Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
