I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He kissed a someone with a penis
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
