I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do vagina's smell?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
