Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
