Will you blow on my dice?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
