bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
