Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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