You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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