Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
