The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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