I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
