capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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