I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
