I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
