she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
