we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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