meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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