it hurts more in the daytime
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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