I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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