At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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