WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
