The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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