So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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