I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
