Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize